It’s no secret that teenagers today are struggling to figure out their identity. They want to know who they are and how they fit into the world. They want to believe that their life matters and they have a place. They need to be seen and loved. As their parents, we have a tremendous influence on how they navigate these thoughts and struggles.

If you are hoping and praying that your teen will come to understand who they are in the context of a relationship with God, there are some practical things you can do during the teenage years that will help move them in that direction. These are not quick fixes, and they take some thought and intentionality. But, if you lean into some of these ideas and practices, your teenager will be much more likely to step into their identity in Christ, and this identity will slowly begin to impact every area of their life.

Model having and living your identity in Christ.

“If it’s to be, it starts with me!” This popular quote is usually employed to motivate people to take ownership and initiative when it comes to accomplishing things in life. I think we can take this secular, self-motivating challenge and apply it to the way we are leading our teens. We have to understand that who we believe we are has a direct impact on who our teens believe they are.

If you believe in and follow Jesus, you understand that part of your mission in the world is to share His love with others. When it comes to our teenagers, one of the ultimate goals is to help them know and embrace their identity in Christ. As we seek to help them develop a healthy identity, we first have to understand our own identity. As a follower of Jesus, I need to take time every day to remember who I am and, more importantly, who’s I am. I am a child of God, loved by Him and created to do good works in this world (Ephesians 2:10). As I seek to grasp this each and every day, I have to do my best to model this to my children. As parents, we have to know who we are in Christ and do our best to live it out every day. If I don’t believe that I am created and loved by God, it will be hard for my teenager to believe the same. One counselor I talked to about this said it this way: “It starts with the parents and their identity. What does the parent identify with? Work? Success? Whatever that is, the kids will follow for sure.”

We all know that more is caught than taught. Our teenagers need to catch us living into our identity in Christ and modeling what that looks like each day.

Affirm and teach identity in Christ.

As we seek to live into our own identity, we have the opportunity to point our teens to their identity in Christ. If they can believe that they are who God says they are, they will be on their way to establishing an identity that will give them a solid foundation for life.

            Remind your teenager that:

                       They are a child of God.

                        They are fully approved, fully accepted, and fully loved by God.

                        They are a beloved child of their parents.

                       They are a part of a much bigger plan.

                        They were created for a purpose.

                       They are uniquely gifted by God.

                       They have a bright future.

                        God is always with them.

When our kids were very young, I started trying to instill God’s truth into their hearts through a bedtime routine. On many nights, I would ask them a series of “Did you know?” questions. It began with, “Did you know that your mother, brother/sister, and I love you very much?” It was followed by, “Did you know that as much as we love you, God loves you more?” The third question was, “Did you know that you are so very special?”  And the fourth was, “Did you know that you can do anything with God’s help?”  After doing this a handful of times, I would begin with “Did you know?” and they would begin to recite the questions with me. When they were younger, I would do this several times a week, and it was tons of fun. As they grew older, I would do it less frequently, and instead of reciting the questions with me, they might offer a bit of an eye roll. As the first set of truths took root, we began adding more questions to instill more ideas. We are now up to twelve. Each question is designed to plant in their hearts and minds a truth about who God is and their identity in Him. Even now that they are teenagers, we will occasionally go back to the questions to remind them of the truths of who they are in Christ.

Another way we can teach our children to grab hold of the identity they have in God is to affirm what you see in them when it comes to their character. Instead of rewarding your son or daughter for the good grades they earned, celebrate how hard he or she worked to accomplish the goal. Look for times when your teenager exhibits a fruit of the spirit, like kindness, gentleness, or self-control, and highlight that. Let’s reward our children (primarily verbally) when we see them embracing and living out their faith.

Let them know you love them and you like them.

All kids, teenagers, and adults want to feel loved. We’re just wired that way. As parents, we sometimes do a good job telling our teenagers that we love them. They tend to believe it, but they also can think it’s a part of the parental job description. Years ago, I was encouraged to not only tell my kids that I love them but to tell them that I like them. Deep down, they know that we love them. I do think they sometimes wonder if we like them. Think about it. Much of your interaction with your teenager likely revolves around what you need them to do – direction and correction. The relationship can seem one-sided and mechanical, especially if there begins to be some emotional distance. Our teens need to believe that we want to be around them, that we enjoy their company, and that they have something to offer the relationship.

When thinking about the culture that we are creating in our home, I’ve begun to ask myself the following questions: When I am correcting my kids, is it because what they are doing is wrong or sinful? Or does it just bug me? Do we subconsciously make rules in our home based on things that annoy us as parents without evaluating whether the action itself is even wrong? If we take that one seriously, it can really be a punch to the gut.

Often, things that bug us as adults are simply normal child or adolescent behavior. As we correct and discipline our kids for things that aren’t inherently wrong, they begin to believe that we don’t like them and who they are. They question their identity as a valuable member of our family. We need to do everything we can to make sure our teenagers know that we both love them and we like them. If they feel accepted, liked, and loved by the people who are most important to them, it will relieve a huge amount of pressure and allow them to sort out their identity in a much healthier way.

There have been many times that, as a parent of teenagers, I have been totally lost when it comes to knowing what to do. I have found myself deep into an argument with my daughter (that I likely started) or at a loss when it comes to motivating my son. I have gone down the wrong road over and over again, hoping that somehow something in my kids would change and we would find ourselves in a better place. Because of either my pride or laziness (or both), I have often defaulted to the “I’ll figure it out as I go” mentality. After all, I’m pretty good at solving problems and plotting out the next steps. Too many times, I’ve had to come to the harsh reality that this strategy rarely works, and it has rarely yielded the results I wanted.

I know I need help as a parent. I have often said, “These little guys and girls don’t come with instruction manuals, and they don’t stay little for long.” Things are constantly moving and changing, both in the hearts and minds of my teens and in the culture around them. I need to find ways to grow and learn as a parent if I’m going to both maintain my sanity and help my kids grow into the man and woman I pray they will become. If you can relate at all, I would encourage you to consider doing a few things that will help you be a better parent and help your family step into all that God has for you. 

Follow Trusted Voices: In the world of social media and “influencers” there actually are a lot of people out there who have good things to say. In a world of specialization, you can find people who are spending lots of time thinking through the specific characteristics of today’s teens and analyzing cultural and social trends. Many of these voices have practical and helpful suggestions, and they share them with the world regularly. You can find a way to get a regular dose of help and encouragement from people who know what they are talking about.

Listen To Parenting Podcasts: Speaking of voices, there are a lot of parenting podcasts that focus on things like navigating technology and social media, helping your kids learn finances, and working through anxiety and depression. Many of the trusted voices referenced above have a way to actually share their voice on a podcast, and they have great guests who give helpful insight. If you like to listen to other people talk and work out solutions, find a podcast that can help you become a better parent.

Read Parenting Books: There is definitely no shortage of Christian parenting books on the market today. New concepts and ideas are introduced each month, and old classics are still viable and helpful. Sometimes, taking the time to sit down with a book and digest the written word helps us take more time to process what we are learning. Grab a book that deals with a topic that is relevant to your parenting and set aside the time you need to read it. As you read, I would recommend having some paper and a pen handy so you can record any thoughts that come to mind as you reflect on how to become a better parent.

Find Blogs And Articles To Read: Speaking of reading, we don’t always have time to sit down and curl up with a good book. But we do often have short spurts of time when we can pick up an idea or a nugget. There are lots of great blog sites where leaders and pastors share articles that can help you as a parent. Again, find a few trusted voices who are consistent in their posting, and grab a few moments here and there to read a short article that speaks to your situation.

Talk To Other Parents (at your church?): There is often no better resource than the people we are around. Talking through issues and struggles with peers can often be just the medicine we need as we sort out what to do in a given situation. Hopefully, you have friends at church who you can talk to and honestly share with. Find ways to be in both formal groups and informal conversations with other parents who are either in the same season of life and parenting or just ahead of you. You can frequently find the wisdom and support you need from people who are going through (or have been through) some of the same things you have. These people can help you see things you might not see and offer the prayer support that you need.

Get Counseling If You Need It:  There have been moments in our parenting journey where we (and our kids) needed some more focused and expert help. If you find yourself in a situation where you feel like you need some clinical help, find it. Counseling can be incredibly helpful when you are stuck, and you know you cannot work through issues on your own. If you don’t know where to find a trusted counselor or if you feel like you can’t afford it, reach out to a pastor or leader at your church for help with the next steps. Becoming mentally healthier in the midst of family life is incredibly important, so seek out the guidance you need as you navigate your struggles.

When we run into something in life that we can’t handle or need more assistance with, we typically seek out some level of help or guidance. We do it at work. We do it in our finances. We do it in our relationships. Heck, we even do it in our hobbies. If we take some time to really think it through, we know that we should do it in our parenting. If we are going to be the parents God has called us to be, we need to be learning and growing, seeking to both understand our teens and how they think and understand the world and its influences that are coming their way. We need to be true disciples of Jesus, showing our teenagers what it looks like to follow God and live for Him each and every day. We need to admit that we need help in our parenting journey and then do everything we can to find it.